Parenting 101 in the Candy Aisle

The other day I was at the grocery store and I saw a classic mom “no-no”.  It’s one of those things all moms (and dads) know that we’re not supposed to do, but we’ve all been there and done that. (Or if we haven't actually done it, we've seriously thought about doing it!)  Yes, I'm talking about candy aisle bribery.

 

Here’s what happened…  Mom and her daughter were waiting in line to pay for their groceries.  Mom began a short conversation with the woman in front of her.  The daughter (who was probably about 4-years-old) immediately started to whine and yank on Mom’s coat.  Mom ignored the coat-pulling, so the daughter asked,  “Can I have candy?”, “Can I have candy?”, “Can I have candy?”…   (She was VERY persistent!)  Mom shushed the girl and kept talking to her friend.  

This little girl was not going to be deterred from her mission of getting Mom’s attention, so she upped her game.  And her volume.  She started to yell, “I WANT CANDY!!!!”, while stomping her little foot.  ( If you’re old enough to remember  the original “Williy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” movie… think Veruca Salt.)  

Mom said, “No!” and turned back to her adult conversation.  I think this is what pushed the little darling over the edge.  Now, the daughter used not only her words to get attention, but also her fists.  She started hitting Mom in the legs. She pummeled her mother over and over again with her tiny fists, until Mom picked up her daughter, held her in her arms and spoke quietly to her. 

This was the beginning of the mother’s fatal mistake. 

This mother made a classic mistake, one which is so common that we’ve all probably done it.  She did a fabulous job ignoring her child when she was whining and being demanding.  She didn’t give in when her child yelled and stomped her foot.  But as soon as the child intensified the behavior, Mom gave her daughter exactly what she wanted… attention.  

The little girl also eventually got the candy she begged for, but that was a secondary reward.  The big prize was Mom’s attention.  Remember that children will repeat behaviors when they are rewarded.  If you reward positive behaviors, you will get more good behavior.  If you reward negative behaviors, you will get more bad behavior.  

Here are ten tips to avoid giving your children attention when they act out:

1.       Do not, ever… ever… EVER… give your child what she asks for when she is whining or yelling at you.  Instead, teach your child to use good manners and ask politely when she wants something.  Also, make sure that she knows how to say, “Excuse me” when she needs to interrupt you. 

2.       Give your child lots of attention for positive behaviors.  Praise her when she’s being good.  Spend time with her when you are not stressed and you are all able to relax together. 

3.       Make sure that your child understands that “no” means “NO”.  If she’s asked you for something and you’ve said “no”, don’t give in and change your mind.  If you do, it will completely destroy your credibility and she’ll always think you’re a pushover. 

4.       Before you say “no” make sure you really mean it.  Unless there is some immediate danger (i.e. , your child is about to run into the street), take few deep breaths  before you say, “No”.  Think about whether this is something you really want to stand firm on, because once you say “No”, you can’t turn back.

5.       If you are in a public place when your child starts to act out, don’t be embarrassed.  Most people have been in your shoes, and they sympathize.  Don’t give your child what she wants just because you are embarrassed. 

6.       If your child is trying to get your attention in an inappropriate way (yelling, hitting, etc.), DON’T pick her up and hold her in your arms.  It is natural to want to pick up your child and talk to her face-to-face, but when you hold her in your arms you are giving her a ton of physical attention.  Instead, squat down and talk to your child at her level without giving her the physical contact.  

7.       Make sure your child understands your family rules and expectations.  Even the youngest child can understand, “In our family, we don’t yell at each other.” and “In our family, we don’t hit.” 

8.       DON’T let your child hit you (or any other adult).  Ever.  

9.       NEVER give your child a treat just to stop her from crying!  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents say, “I know I shouldn’t give him a cookie when he cries, but it works.”  Yes, it is a short term solution to stop the crying.  But in the long run, their children are the ones who have the hardest time calming down when they are upset because they’ve never learned to calm themselves without a reward from a parent.  

10.   DON’T feel like you’re being mean to your child when you say “No”.  You are doing your child a HUGE service by being firm and consistent.  It is OK to say no!